Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
