cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize