saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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