Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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