sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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