dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
