Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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