if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How does one acquire holy water?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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