On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I need a beard to bite.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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