I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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