Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
