dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
