Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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