I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
