I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
