i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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