I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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