I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
