I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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