She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
