Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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