so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
