a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
