They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
