I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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