if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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