I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
