If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
