I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
