hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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