she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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