I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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