If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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