WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
