you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
