I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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