you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
FUCK WHALES
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize