with your own penis?
So drunk its hurt
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
