And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
