I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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