i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
be right there i have to get my cape
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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