OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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