I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
