Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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