Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize