I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
as a side note pls kill me
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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