I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
