If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
