I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Everclear isn't food dammit
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
