bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
