Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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