I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my mouth tastes like poor choices
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
