You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
