Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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