God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
