Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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