I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
