My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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