If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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