You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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