shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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