remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
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