I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
