so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Gay?
German.
Pity.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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